The Subtle Trap of Expectation

Reader,

I caught myself in a spiral.

I’m writing this post on Saturday (yesterday if you are reading this on Sunday). I like to have a few Sunday Sunshines written a week or two ahead, but I’ve let it slip.

Lots going on: Workshops, a team off-site, writing a keynote, coaching hours, and guesting on a podcast ----> cue that nagging voice:

Why is this so hard?

Shouldn’t writing be easier by now?

Shouldn't there be more to show for all this effort?

This put me into a spiral of expectation:

Where is the payoff for all of this hard work? 😩

This is the trap of a transactional mindset.

I began with passion, purpose, and vision. But a subtle shift happens when we have a lot going on or when we look for payoffs—usually when things get tough or progress slows.

It's the expectancy trap.

Oh how I feel it when I’m working my heart out without seeing expected results.

There's a hidden entitlement lurking within this transactional mindset—the belief that simply because we've put in effort, time, or resources, the universe owes us a specific outcome in return.

Sometimes we treat our success like a vending machine: insert effort ----> expect outcome.

Each time this cycle of doubt comes up, I work to:

Pause.
Ask my brain for facts.
Revisit my why.
Ask what’s working. (when the mind says nothing, it’s lying)
Revisit who I’m becoming.
Ask what’s at the route of the negative cycle.
Then, I solve for THAT.

Our brains are not wired for SUCCESS. Our brains are wired for survival.

When we fixate on what's missing, we become blind to what's actually unfolding—the small wins, the seeds planted, the person we're becoming through the struggle itself.

We become blind to the good.

What's fascinating is how uncomfortable it feels to actively look for the good.

There's something almost painful about acknowledging our own progress or giving ourselves credit for improvements we've made.

When I share with my clients how far they've come, they quickly dismiss the idea or change the subject.

Celebrating our growth feels unnatural, even indulgent. We've been conditioned to believe that self-acknowledgement is somehow arrogant and that staying hungry and dissatisfied is the only path to excellence.

What if recognizing your progress creates the emotional fuel you need to keep going when things get hard?

Last month, a client called me in heaps of disappointment and a few tears upon learning that a business partnership would not happen. He had spent hours and manpower to develop the relationship.

I asked him to name three ways he’d grown and how the company had grown through the process. He paused, then slowly began: "I finally found my voice on topics I used to avoid... I developed systems I never had before... I connected with people who truly resonated with my message."

He'd been so focused on the transaction he'd missed the transformation happening within himself.

This happens to all of us.

Life gets busy, unexpected challenges appear, and suddenly we're measuring our worth against arbitrary yardsticks, forgetting that some of the most important growth happens in the detours and delays.

I've been there more times than I can count.

It wasn't until my Coach asked me, "What if this detour is actually the path?" that something shifted.

Hearing my brain say: "Why is this so hard?"

I ask and answer: "Who am I becoming through this?"

That's the antidote to transactional thinking: not denying our desire for results but expanding our definition of what "results" actually means.

Here is a simple and powerful 5-minute 3-question tool to bring the good to the surface every day.

What’s working? (today, this week, this year: you decide)
What’s not working?
What will I do differently?

When you begin by focusing on what IS working, your brain shifts.

You then approach challenges from the creative, solution-oriented part of your brain rather than from frustration or expectancy. This isn't positive thinking—it's strategic thinking that creates momentum exactly when you need it most.

The most meaningful achievements in my life come from devoted practice—showing up not for what I could get, but for who I am becoming.

If you are a leader of people, GO HERE to take The Growth Zone Assessment to learn how well your organization blends innovation and action!

Want to go deeper for yourself:

✨ For powerful 1:1 Coaching, sign up for a coaching conversation HERE

✨ Listen to The 7 Lessons I Learned from Martha Stewart ⬇️ andHERE.

✨ Join my morning practice HERE.

✨ 48 more mind-busting questions HERE.

✨ Learn how to rewrite your next best mid-life chapter. Read my book, For Success Sake! Extraordinary Possibilities in Leadership HERE.

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Here's to your success!